The Middle of It All: Learning to Be Kind to Myself While Still Wanting More

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There is a very specific moment every week when I open my planner, stare at the list of things I confidently promised myself I would finish, and think, wow, I really overestimated myself again.

The list is always ambitious. Finish two blog posts. Eat three real meals a day that are not just coffee in different cups. Work out four times. Answer emails like a responsible adult. Become the kind of person who wakes up early and is happy about it.

By Thursday I am usually eating a granola bar out of my purse while replying to messages with one eye open, wondering how I let it get to this point. Again.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about self-care, and not just the bubble bath version, although I am very much in support of bubble baths. I mean the kind of care that asks bigger questions. The kind that makes you pause and really look at your life and ask, what is actually for me, and what am I carrying just because I think I should?

I recently joined a motivational seminar and one idea has been echoing in my head ever since. The speaker talked about having the audacity to go after your dreams, even when you do not feel ready or qualified or totally sure how it will all work out. That word hit me harder than I expected. Audacity. The nerve to believe something good could really be for me.

Because here is what I tend to do. I will get excited about something, set a goal, tell myself I am finally going to go all in. And then, almost immediately, I will start quietly talking myself out of it.

This blog is the perfect example. I love writing here. I want this space to grow into something real, something that supports me financially, something that reaches people who need to hear they are not alone. And then two days later I will think, who do I think I am? There are already so many blogs. Everyone else is better at this. Maybe I should just be grateful for what I have and stop dreaming so big.

But sitting in that seminar made me realize how often I confuse humility with shrinking. How often I mistake being “realistic” for giving up before I have even really tried. Wanting more is not a flaw. It is a form of self-respect.

I started this blog because I wanted a place to talk about growing in real ways. Not the perfect Instagram version of growth, but the honest, messy, sometimes confusing kind. The kind where you are trying and failing and trying again, all while wondering if anyone else feels this way too.

The truth I keep coming back to is this: what is meant for me is for me. And no amount of bending myself into a shape that pleases everyone else is going to make it any more mine.

I am a people pleaser in recovery. I want everyone to be comfortable. I want everyone to like me. I will absolutely say yes to something I do not have time for and then be shocked later when I am overwhelmed. I am working on it, but old habits die hard.

Somewhere along the way I started to confuse kindness with self-erasure. As if being kind meant saying yes when I wanted to say no. As if being understanding meant never asking for more for myself. As if taking care of others had to come at the expense of taking care of me.

What I am learning now is that self-care is not about letting myself off the hook entirely. It is about holding two things at the same time. Grace and accountability.

I tell myself every week to give myself grace when I fall behind on work, when I eat like a toddler, when I skip the gym because I am tired or unmotivated or just plain human. And that grace matters. Beating myself up has never once made me healthier, happier, or more productive.

But I am also realizing that kindness does not mean lowering the bar so far that I never have to stretch. It means noticing when I am stuck in patterns that are not serving me and gently nudging myself forward anyway.

Sometimes that looks like opening my laptop and writing even when I do not feel inspired. Sometimes it looks like going for a walk instead of scrolling for an hour. Sometimes it looks like choosing a real meal over whatever snack is closest to my hand.

It is not about being perfect. It is about showing up for myself in small, boring, consistent ways.

I am trying to stay focused on what I want instead of what everyone else expects. I want to build something meaningful here. I want this blog to be a place people come back to, a place that feels warm and honest and helpful. I want to have the audacity to believe that this little corner of the internet could turn into something big.

And I am also trying to remember that I do not have to earn rest by burning myself out first. I can work hard and still be gentle with myself. I can go after my dreams and still forgive myself for the days I fall short.

Most weeks I will still have that Thursday moment with my planner. I will still roll my eyes at my own optimism. I will still eat a granola bar out of my purse and think, tomorrow will be better.

And you know what. Sometimes it is.

Here is what I know now. I cannot please everyone. I am not supposed to. My job is not to be everything to everyone. My job is to be honest with myself, kind to myself, and bold enough to keep showing up for the life I want.

That is the version of self-care I am choosing. The one that says, I am allowed to want more, and I am allowed to take care of myself while I go after it.